A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve cover on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
- FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
- Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
- Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
- That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
- Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying S%#@W YOU!
- Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “what’s wrong” – for the woman’s response refer to # 3.
The U. S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before thet get into an auto accident.
89 percent of the people in 49 states said, “Oh s**t!”
In Texas 94 percent said, “Here, hold my beer for a second, I’m going to try something.”
Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500
mile dealer service. It’s been adult ridden and all wheels have
always been on the ground. I used it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of my loving wife.
Apparently, “Do whatever the f*** you want!” doesn’t mean what I thought. Ask for
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m
83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re
about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of he, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re so ugly”