1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, “What the heck happened?”
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover
and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this
under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says: “Stay off your BIKE for a week.”
How many motorcycle forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …
another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”
Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to F Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack k. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot! boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRU E.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer!